Wrong person: Pregnant by another man after years of stigma

Monday, August 26th, 2019 00:00 |
Pregnancy. Photo/Courtesy

Hi Achokis. I’m in trouble.  I have been married to a good man for the last seven years, but we have not been able to have a child.  For the last two years, his family has been pressuring him to marry another wife.

He has mentioned this to me several times and I also noticed that he has become distant with me. Unfortunately, this pushed me to an old friend who we have kept touch with.  The only one time we made out has got me in trouble.  I’m pregnant.  I don’t want to lose the baby, but I can’t face my husband.  What do I do?


This is a sweet bitter pill to swallow. On one hand you are happy that you can conceive, but on the other hand it happened with the wrong person. This means that contrary to what your husband’s family thought, the problem wasn’t you, but him.

There’s nothing as painful as being rejected for something that is not your fault. Rejection by one’s in-laws is painful. It is in those times that a woman needs her husband’s support more than ever. When this doesn’t happen, it leaves a woman feeling lonely and vulnerable to outside temptation. 

Two options

You have two options. One, abort and assume nothing happened and continue with the status quo. Two confess your sins and face the consequences. The consequences may be dire because few men can take in their wives’ cheating. Also few would admit they can’t function. 

As for the option of aborting the baby, though appearing as the easier one, it has far-reaching consequences. What happens if this endangers your life? What about your conscience?

After having waited this long to have a baby, how can you get rid of this one now? What if your hubby finds out this one day? This is also a possibility— it would be hard for him to forgive you. 

Not easy

So, neither option is going to be easy. But you are better off letting the cat out of the bag and dealing with the consequences instead of concealing the matter. You have more to gain than lose. You will no longer have to carry the shame of not having a baby and the guilt of what happened.

The sooner you do it the better. Begin by apologising to him for how you have hurt him. Acknowledge it was wrong. If you can’t face him alone, please share this first with his close friend or someone you know he trusts and respects. Then let this third party broker the talks between the two of you.  The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]

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