The problem is in Mr President’s volume, they can’t hear him well

Wednesday, August 28th, 2019 00:00 |
The problem is in Mr President’s volume, they can’t hear him well.

Ndung’u Mburu        

There’s no other country I’d rather live in than Kenya. Seriously! In which other country does a government spend billions of shillings to tell people to close their businesses and stay home to be visited by strangers asking questions such as “who slept here last night” and “do you have a refrigerator” all in the name of population census. I keep telling you, this is an amazing country.

I have been reading comments from people complaining on the Internet that it was wrong for my friend, the Interior Cabinet Secretary Dr Fred Matiang’i, alias Mr Fix It aka Mr Super CS, to tell people to close their businesses and go home early in order to welcome the enumerators. 

These people reckoned that billions of shillings that would have been collected from businesses such as bars, nyama choma joints and other recreational facilities such as the (in)famous Sabina Joy (if you know this one, you need to check yourself) would remain in people’s pockets and that the orders point to a dictatorial tendency by Mr Super CS.

Now, I have a few bones to pick with these paper tigres on the Internet. First of all, didn’t President Uhuru Kenyatta extend Matiang’i’s powers when he charged him with “coordinating delivery of national priorities and flagship programmes?” 

So, how else do you think he was going to show off those new powers? By letting people continue with their lives uninterrupted? Which country do you live in? 

For the record, Mr Fix It and myself are cut from the same cloth. If and whenever I buy a new pair of shoes, I can guarantee you I always walk out of the shop in it! 

Therefore, being surprised by Matiang’i flexing his new-found-power-muscles is like getting surprised by a baby soiling its diaper! 

Secondly, we are talking about a government that introduced the Huduma Namba and even passed a legal framework through an amendment to an Act of Parliament and declared loudly enough that the National Integrated Identity Management Services (NIIMS) number is “Not Compulsory” and then, in the same breath, informed Kenyans that all government services will be issued to only those with the number. 

Weird excuses

Yes! And people are here getting surprised that Dr Matiang’i coughs and we all jump! What is wrong with us?

There are those claiming that they will not participate in this compulsory exercise for reasons such as “my cousin is not an enumerator yet he went through school.”

 What I want to remind you is that it takes an average of three days to jail a guy who is contributing to fighting hunger by selling cat-meat samosas, and this is for a crime with no complainant. 

Just go ahead, refuse to host the enumerators. Chase them away even. But it might help to remember that the State will most likely host you in one of their hospitality facilities later, and I hear the experience is to die for—literally. 

As the government has put it in no unclear terms, this is an important exercise because it will determine how it will allocate billions of shillings to chasing down billionaires who refuse with Caesar’s dough.

The government needs the money so it can raise the salaries of our MPs and buy tea and flowers in government offices. Some of it is necessary so that it can be carried in sacks from banks. You know, the important stuff. 

Speaking of allocating money, MPs are still locked in their appendage measuring contest, squabbling over whether counties need to have their budgetary allocation increased despite the guy holding the purse, President Uhuru, stating categorically that the government has no more money to allocate. 

I’d hate to think or believe that any leader would refuse to listen and heed to the President’s directives especially because these, our leaders, have been very obedient, more so, in the recent past. 

For instance, when the President said politicians should stop politicking (chuckle), all these leaders stopped all the 2022 bickering and started going for leadership summits hosted by the Dolly Partons of this world and organised round the country trips “helping the president implement the Jubilee manifesto and his Big Four agenda” at funerals, weddings and church fundraisers! 

In my humble observation, now that disobedience is definitely out of the question, the only other option left is that the President’s volume is not high enough. No wonder he keeps adjusting his microphone! Ongezea volume hapo kidogo mhesh! [email protected]

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