Probe exonerates Kenyan politicians from graft claims
The popular belief that Kenyans, particularly politicians, are irredeemably corrupt is a shameless scam hatched by jealous people, Impeachable sources can reveal.
According to the sources, the graft claim is a hoax in the league of the one-eyed ogre, mganga kutoka Tanga and Santa Claus.
Investigations revealed that all the hullabaloo and hue and cry about corruption being Kenya’s number one problem, was cheap propaganda being spread by enemies of development and their foreign lackeys.
The surveys, corruption perception indexes and media reports that depicted Kenya as one of the most corrupt countries in the continent and the world were mere fiction being peddled by the enemies of Kenya.
An Impeachable source close to the investigations said the probe has in fact shown that Kenyans, especially the leaders, are genetically incapable of corruption.
That Kenya is a famously religious country is also a confirmation that the accusations of graft are unfounded and not supported by the reality on the ground.
“Kenyans and their leaders are God-fearing, church-going, Bible-thumbing, hymn-singing prayerful people, who cannot steal a pin let alone conspire to rob the public coffers dry,” said the source, who preferred to remain nameless.
He said all those claims of corruption from the Goldenberg three decades ago, to Kemsa six months ago, were a figment of the fertile imagination of a few lazybones who are jealous of the progress of hardworking, industrious and innovative Kenyans.
It also emerged that political weaklings, who cannot muster a crowd of five people at a village rally, were responsible for these corruption hoaxes, with the intention of bringing down their politically shrewd rivals.
“Goldenberg, Anglo Leasing, Kazi Kwa Vijana, Maize Scandal, Eurobond, NYS, Arror/Kimwarer, Kemsa and all the others we have been hearing about, never happened.
They were all tall tales spread by envious desperados who were only interested in bringing down their go-getting compatriots,” the investigations revealed.
The biggest evidence that the investigations relied on to arrive at this undisputable conclusion is that no one – save a few nondescript elements – has ever been found guilty of the alleged financial heists.
“How do you explain the fact that no one has ever gone to jail for these alleged crimes? It is simply because these were – as someone once famously put it – scandals that never were!” said our source.
The very few people who have been found guilty of graft, according to the investigations, were funny characters whose mama’s failed to teachbetter.
Among the few who are blemish on Kenya’s otherwise clean record is the odd police officer found guilty of taking a bribe, the rare clerk who made a file disappear and the extremely rare senior public servant who signed something or other.
The civil society, the Ethics and Anti-Corruption Commission (EACC), the Directorate of Criminal Investigations, the Auditor General, the so-called whistleblowers and the media have been exposed as the main culprits who have been busy tarnishing the names of diligent Kenyans.
“These are the real scammers who drag the good names of their fellow citizens and the country in the mud.
Thanks to their fertile imagination, so many careers have been destroyed and Kenya treated like pariah in the family of nations,” the investigations report stated.
The report recommends that the EACC and the office of Auditor General be done away with – as they are a flagrant waste of public finances – while the DCI should stick to chasing chicken thieves and people who disturb public order.
“As for the media, it should be restricted to reporting society weddings and chiefs’ barazas instead of poking their nose in other people’s private affairs like who moved how much money from one bank account to another,” the report recommends. —[email protected]