Third Eye

Police, askaris vow to bravely enforce Handkerchief Law

Monday, August 30th, 2021 00:00 |
Handkerchief Law.

The police and city askaris have sworn to strictly enforce the new laws that are meant to keep the capital’s nose clean.

Thanking the County Assembly members for passing the Nairobi City County Public Nuisance Bill 2021 (to be referred hereinafter as the Handkerchief Law), and the acting governor for promptly signing it into law, the officers said the they will go beyond the call of duty to ensure the letter and spirit of the laws are observed.

“As usual, we will go the extra mile to enforce the laws, as our singular zeal in ensuring the curfew and other Covid-19 rules are respected, has proved.

The acting governor should rest assured that the laws are in good hands,” said Sgt Musikari Ongeavizuri, a seasoned cop. 

Impeachable police sources said besides being a splendid piece of legislation, the Handkerchief Law had made a year that had been rendered bountiful by the curfew, bar hours’ restrictions and other Covid-19 rules, even more lucrative.

And in keeping with the brave precedent set by the High Court and Court of Appeal judges, the police and the askaris said the enforcement of the Handkerchief Law will not be limited by narrow and pedestrian interpretation.

The brave and broad reading of the law, they said, would not only keep the city spick and span, it would also detect and forestall any crimes against hygiene before they are committed.

“For example, with their trained eye, an officer can tell whose bladder if full and is about to irrigate trees and fences.

Armed with this intelligence, an officer is expected to promptly arrest the suspect and instantly charge him with plotting to commit a crime against hygiene,” said Ongeavizuri. 

He added that the police and the askaris can also search the pockets of a citizen and if they don’t find a handkerchief or a tissue paper, they should to arrest the suspect.

“In the broad and brave interpretation of the law, not carrying a handkerchief automatically means you blow your nose in an illegal manner and you must be arrested and charged,” he explained.

That also means you can be arrested for living in places where there are no water drainages, sewer lines, rubbish bins and toilets, because the law enforcement officers can deduce that you dispose your dirt in the open.

“Since the law forbids sleeping in kitchens and food stores, it is now in order for an officer to storm those self-contained single rooms and bedsitters that many city residents prefer and arrest everyone for violating the Nairobi City County Public Nuisance Act 2021,” he said.

In an even broader and braver interpretation of the Handkerchief Law, the officers say they have the sole discretion to decide what kind of sentence to impose on violators of the Handkerchief Law.

“It can be anything from a Sh100 instant fine to death sentence depending on what you have in your handkerchief-less pockets and M-Pesa account,” said Sergeant Ongeavizuri, adding that the instant fines will allow suspects to go back to the business of irrigating the nation which will lead to more future arrests and more instant fines.

The death sentence, the sergeant explained, will mainly apply to suspects who refuse to co-operate with the law enforcement officers even after they have been caught red-handed committing a crime against hygiene.

He attributed the many death sentences imposed by the police during the curfew to this behaviour which he highly warned Kenyans against.

Usikuwe kichwa ngumu. Ongea vizuri na afisa. Hata hawa ni binadamu na wanapigwa na baridi na wanahitaji chai,” he said. (Don’t be stubborn. Co-operate with the officers. They too are human and need tea to drive away the cold.) [email protected]

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