Open letter to Trump on his impeachment threat

Monday, September 30th, 2019 00:00 |
Trump impeachment.

Dear Mr President,

In the unlikely event that this letter does not get to you, please feel free to inform me so that I can either send a copy of the original (never mind this oxymoron) or craft another. I could even do both.

Why I have chosen this mode to address you is so that there is a public record, just in case you choose to respond via a tweet.

I hear your fingers are adept in this, and actually work faster than your brain. But that is subject for another day.

I am aware you may never have heard of me, but that is beside the point, really.

Even in the United States, you don’t know all those who voted for you, do you? So, let it not bother you unduly. After all, you have a lot on your plate right now.

Given the direction things are going, you could soon find yourself jobless. I do not know if you know the meaning of that term.

Silver spoon

The English people might say you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. Now, that is a misnomer, since I hear you use golden cutlery and you have a private residence where everything is golden.

I do not pretend to know what you plan to do with all that gold but checking it out to determine if it is real or not could be your first stop. 

If a bloke from Kenya or the DRC sold it to you, you will be well advised to verify precisely what grade of gold it is. But that is the least of your worries right now, or so I imagine.

If you have been following the history of Kenya, you will have heard of one of our longest serving House Speaker Francis ole Kaparo.

 That old man had the House at the palm of his hand, and he was in control. We used to call him “Order! Order!” because he was famous for just that; bringing order to that august House.

Now, your current House Speaker, or your version of Kaparo, one Nancy Pelosi wants to declare you jobless in a matter of months.

Little secret

She has threatened to institute an impeachment inquiry against you. Now, that is really serious. If you have heard of anything serious, this is it.

But fret not. I will let you in on a little secret. Here in Kenya, impeachment is such a tiny threat that the last time a senator wanted to impeach a Cabinet secretary, it took only one woman and a cash imprest of just one weekend to defeat the impeachment motion.

Let me break that down for you since you are a busy bloke. The fellow who was to move the motion in Parliament to impeach the minister was invited for a weekend of carousel by a woman few guys could resist. 

So, at the precise time he was supposed to be moving the motion, he was about 100km away, moving but not any motion. Science is on test here.

Put another way, motion was used to defeat a motion. Make sense? No? Great!

I am using circumlocution because this is a family newspaper and our levels of liberalism are not the same as they are out there in the US.

But we digress.

As I was saying, that small matter of impeachment need not cause you sleepless nights. You can send an emissary down here and for a little fee, we can work out the logistics and perceived logic to defeat that impeachment inquiry. 

Correct tactics

Basically, the chaps tasked with the responsibility of that inquiry could be sidetracked, if the correct tactics are applied. 

They can be very effectively neutralised (neutered?) using certain creative abilities nor dissimilar to the ones that were deployed to defeat the minister’s impeachment motion.

But before you take such serious steps as engaging the likes of me as a consultant on such matters as creating coincidences to pull the rug from under the feet of Pelosi, check that she is not just issuing empty threats.

If she is serious, you know where to find me. You have been warned. Good day sir.

– The writer is Special Projects Editor, People Daily

More on News