My mother has rejected my Luhya fiancé on tribal grounds

Sunday, October 20th, 2019 05:39 |

Hi Achokis. I have been in a relationship for four years. All has been well and I’ve been looking forward to having a family with my fiance, a man of my dreams. But there is a problem. My mum has refused to recognise this relationship simply because my boyfriend is a Luhya while I’m a Kikuyu. My fiancé is loving, caring, understanding and most of all, he respects me a lot. We are both working and I feel ready to take our relationship to the next level. But my mum has threatened that if I marry him she will disown me. Kindly advise!

Our take

Love is such a strong bond and when two people are in love, anyone trying to break that bond only makes them fall in love more. It is unfortunate that in this era, your mum would bar you from getting married on tribal grounds. 

We all want parental blessings when getting married, thus, it is important to find out why your mum won’t accept your relationship. Is it because of the stereotypes that people have about certain tribes or someone else’s experience? Are there other issues? Parents normally have certain expectations of who their child should get married to and when it turns out that it is not according to their expectations they react. 

However, realise that you are marrying an individual, not a tribe. Secondly, you are now an adult and should be able to make your own decision concerning whom to marry. Marriage is a covenant between two consenting adults that love each other. You are no longer a child to be dictated on what is right and what is wrong. Your mother should advise you, but not decide for you on what to do or not. This is where many parents go wrong with their adult children. 

Don’t rush into marriage, instead give yourself time for things to cool off. Meanwhile, talk to someone whom your mum respects and who has an open mind about such issues (inter-tribal marriages). Better still, if you know of someone close to her with a similar experience, let them speak with her. They will be the bridge to hear what your mum is saying, but will also help calm her fears and make her see your point. 

 Keep your friendship going and explain to your boyfriend what is happening. Face this thing as a team. Agree on a time period by which you would wait for your mum to warm up to him. If she doesn’t, you may still proceed to get married. Remember it is for this cause, marriage, that a man or woman, leaves their father and mother to be joined together in matrimony.  

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches 

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