Long distance marriage isn’t working for us

Monday, December 9th, 2019 00:00 |
Unhappy couple. Photo/File

Hi Achokis. I’ve been married for nine years. As soon as we got married, my husband lost his job and tarmacked for two years.

He finally got a job offer abroad and we agreed he should grab that opportunity. Initially, it was exciting— a good pay that enabled us do much as a family.

But the problem is that my husband has gotten too comfortable there and sometimes doesn’t come home as we had initially agreed. I’m so lonely and whenever I bring up this subject, it causes a lot of conflict.

He tells me he wants to make me comfortable and have enough investments before he quits. This is greatly affecting our marriage. Please advise.

Our Take

Thank you for your question. Long distance relationships can be complicated.

Many well-meaning men find themselves in this dilemma. They know and hear the cry of their wives concerning their relationship, but are also fully alive to the fact that they need to provide for their family.

This dilemma is heightened, especially when the man has gone through a patch where he didn’t have a job and wasn’t able to provide for his family, or if he saw his own mother struggle with them because their dad did not leave anything behind for them.

This fear becomes the driving force making a man go to any extent so as to avoid history repeating itself. 

The way your husband views the issue is not the same way you do. For him, financial security is paramount, while for you, it is your relationship.

No wonder, you raise the issue and he doesn’t seem to understand. He doesn’t want to be in a situation where he wouldn’t be able to provide for you. On the other hand, you are asking what is the point of having all these material things and he is not here for you.

This requires an intricate balance. How do you have a win-win situation? How can you make him feel secure enough to leave his job and be with you? 

You may need to make him know that what to you is more important is that you have him with you as long as he has something that he is doing here, however little money it brings.

That way, he would still feel he is providing even as your need to be together is met. Begin working together on a plan for him to come back home. Set up a business that he can come and manage while he looks for another job here if he still wants to work.

Work with a timeline so that he can begin preparing himself to come back home. Otherwise, he will continue staying abroad, wanting to make more money while your marriage is breaking down. 

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]

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