Third Eye

Kenyans told to use untaxed energy instead of complaining

Monday, September 20th, 2021 00:00 |
High fuel prices.

Mambo Matata

Surprised by the fresh protest against the sharp increase in fuel prices, the regulator and the taxman have come out to strongly defend themselves against accusations of insensitivity to the economic plight that Kenyans are going through.

Members of Parliament have also washed their hands off the price hikes, saying they have no idea how the commodity found itself in the sin tax bracket.

According to the taxman and the regulator, it is erroneous to claim that all forms of energy in Kenya are highly taxed and priced. 

On the contrary, they say, the most basic energy forms are totally free and Kenyans should make use of the abundant resources to make life easier instead of wasting them shouting their voices hoarse and loitering in urban streets. 

“Rather than waste time loafing in street corners talking to TV crews, Kenyans should start walking to work.

They have the God-given energy to place one foot in front of the other and soon they will find themselves in their destination,” said an impeachable source close to the regulators.

The source was quite unamused that so much free, unregulated and untaxed energy should go to waste in pointless protests and unproductive work like venting to the media about the recent fuel prices increase.

Too much free hot air and clean oxygen, which should be used to drive the economy, were being expended in such futile pursuits, the source observed.

He warned that should Kenyans insist on misusing such resources that are provided free of charge, the regulator and the taxman would consider restricting their use and taxing them.

“Physical, mental and emotional energy, oxygen and hot air are public resources which must be used prudently.

Profligate and wanton spending of the precious resources should attract punitive taxes,” said another impeachable source who is familiar with the thinking in the corridors of taxation.

The sun, which he said is another free energy source that the taxman in his deep wisdom and unmatched compassion had decided not to tax, would also be considered for VAT.

And instead of complaining about the rise in the prices of other commodities due to the high cost of fuel, the regulator and the taxman say Kenyans should use their natural energy to grow and rear their own food.

“So what if the price of unga or bread goes up? There is enough free physical energy that we don’t tax that Kenyans should use to grow and mill their own grains and rear their own animals for meat and milk!” said the taxman’s source.

People can also use the energy wasted in anti-fuel price hike street demonstrations to chase and kill their own food just the way our ancestors did not too long ago.

Meanwhile, MPs have also denied accusations that they literally sleep on the job when tax proposals are being discussed and passed.

While the waheshimiwa admit that they occasionally take their forty winks every now and then in the chambers, they insist that that is because they are busy people who, like everybody, deserve a power nap in the afternoons.

“Imagine spending the whole weekend crisscrossing the country with the party leader singing his virtues and having busy nights of secret meetings and unwinding parties.

By Tuesday you are completely exhausted and you need a little rest which you can only get inside the chamber as boring colleagues sing the lullaby,” said MP Slumber Fofofo.

The MP accused the Treasury of sneaking in the tax proposals when legislators were exhausted. He also accused their awake colleagues of not waking up the sleepy ones during debates.

“Somebody should take the responsibility for these terrible taxes. And that includes our colleagues who did not nudge us to wake up during the debate and passing of the tax proposals,” said Fofofo. [email protected]

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