How Jubilee’s brilliant strategy won Kipchoge Ineos 1:59 record

Wednesday, October 16th, 2019 00:57 |

There’s no other country I’d rather live in than Kenya. Seriously! This is the country that gave birth to Eliud Kipchoge, the greatest marathoner to have ever walked – or ran – this planet yet. 

Before I go any further, let me say I have a lot of respect for the Internet athletes and mathematicians who spent a lot of time and bundles calculating and analysing how no human being could run seven metres per second and proclaiming with finality that the Greatest Of All Time would not achieve the impossible.

 To me, Kipchoge has nothing on these folks! These are the real heroes of this world—people who display their running prowess while seated at their desks probably feasting on buckets of fried chicken (yummy) criticising a runner who weighs as much as a bag of cement and three packets of unga. Do you know just how ballsy you have to be to pull off that kind of thing?

 Never mind that Kipchoge has spent most of his life running and preparing for a moment such as what we witnessed on Saturday! How can you not admire these professors? These are the people who deserve the Head Of State Commendation, or whatever Githeriman received for standing in line like other people to vote, albeit with a nasty hangover.

 But, I think even more importantly, the Jubilee government ought to reward itself and give itself a holiday and take itself for a retreat—ideally forever—for being the most forward-looking government to have ever existed. There was a story in one of the local dailies that was accusing the government of “failing world beaters” by not having in place proper infrastructure for our athletes to train and continue beating the world.

 First of all, that was a very uninformed article. Do these athletes win or not? So, where is the problem? You see, what we need to understand is that these people win because the training facilities are terrible. Duuh! Why would we want those training facilities fixed? By not building the nine, nay 11, stadia that President Uhuru Kenyatta’s government promised the country is just making sure that our athletes are tough enough to beat any human limit. Americans have the best facilities in the world. When is the last time they broke a marathon record? Science!

Different races

 In fact, it is my considered opinion that proper infrastructure might shock our athletes to failure. We shouldn’t try to improve them. This is what makes the Jubilee government so brilliant and just to be sure that the strategy (experiment) was working, Deputy President William Ruto was at the finish line.

 Also, I’m pretty sure  the President and myself were watching different races. He watched one where Kipchoge finished and “the first thing he got in his hands was the Kenyan flag” and I watched one that Kipchoge finished and the first thing he got in his hands was his wife. Anyway, it’s not like keenness to detail is important in simple things such as being President.

 Speaking of terrible experiments, Mike Sonko. Again, from the onset, allow me to state that I don’t like writing about Sonko here because I wouldn’t want to reduce this column to a joke or a comedy series, but hey, he’s the governor of the largest city in East and Central Africa. So, here we are. The man is somewhere in Europe dressed as a wannabe rapper, walking around, pointing at trams and releasing phone recordings recorded in a toilet. And no, I’m no embellishing. All that is factual information.  

 Finally, the Punguza Mizigo Bill has been taking hits left right and centre in the County Assemblies, despite it being massively popular amongst Kenyans. The important lesson that Ekuru Aukot and his Thirdway Alliance party should learn here is that the opinion of a Kenyan in the current state of things matters as much as the effect of butterfly landing on a far away twig has in stopping an earthquake!

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