Decades’ old tea and its magic on tough-talking learned friends

Monday, October 19th, 2020 00:00 |
Chai Club.

Mambo Matata

After decades of turning their nose up at lowly tea, Kenyan lawyers have finally woken up and smelled, well… the chai.

The advocates of the High Court of Kenya, who were previously believed to have more refined and expensive tastes, were recently caught red-handed clutching a cuppa like their lives depended on it. 

And the effects – as police officers and other seasoned public servants know only too well – were immediate: they swiftly turned from ferocious lions into contented lambs.

Instant transfomation

Asked about this instant transformation which caused a collective gasp of amazement and amusement on social media, one of the lawyers who partook of the good beverage responded: “Nani alisema chai si halali? Tea is not only legal; it is also jurisprudential.

Taking tea is quite the lawyerly thing to do, because it vacates the mind of unnecessary and cumbersome occupations.”  

The lawyer, who did not want to be named because he did not have the “express jurisdiction” to comment on matters of the lawyers’ body, added that tea could be the antidote to Kenya’s pressing problems, like the rising political temperatures, the growing rift in ruling Jubilee and the simmering war of the classes between the hustlers and the dynasties.

“If we all had tea together, Kenya would be a nicer country. In fact, instead of building bridges, we should be holding tea parties and forming tea political parties,” said the lawyer, reaching for what he said was his tenth cup of the day.

As expected, MPs were extremely happy that chai had the same effect on the lawyers that it normally has on their constituents back in the villages and slums.

Since independence, the politicians have been using chai kidogo to win the hearts and minds of their constituents.

Chai has been known to win many an election and fanatical following.

“We thought these lawyers could only be swayed by sterner, classier stuff like whisky but wapi? Chai is king, chai is the swayer-in-chief,” said an amused MP.

Different flavours

The MP said with the lawyers having succumbed to tea, the last bastion of resistance had fallen and they were now free to finish their term peacefully without any fears of being “evicted” and similar jokes.

Meanwhile, the police and other civil servants, have heartily welcomed the lawyers to the Chai Club. 

A spokesman of the club said there is always room for more members in the club and the lawyers were more than welcome.

“Chai ni mzuri (tea is good). From the experience of our members, we know what wonders tea can perform, hence we were not surprised at how quickly the lawyers changed, after having that cup of tea in Parliament,” said Koplo Okombe.

He listed the different flavours of tea including Chai ya Wazee, Chai ya Kuondoa Baridi, Chai ya Kutoa Vumbi, Chai ya Mkubwa and Chai ya Mafuta ya Gari.

Okombe said tea had been helping their members stay sane in the difficult and thankless job that is law enforcement. Chai, he said, had also helped them solve many crimes and mysteries, including murders.

Power of tea

“And that is before you say anything of Kenya’s lawless matatus, drunks, drug peddlers, addicts and defilers… a good cup of Chai ya Wazee can solve these problems very easily,” he revealed.

Lawyers, he said, would find tea a very valuable beverage in their line of work, which is not too dissimilar from that of the police.

A Civil Service representative in the Chai Club said among the miracles that tea had performed in their departments in recent years include the sudden appearance of lost files, names on title deeds suddenly changing and documents that would ordinarily take months to process, being ready in a matter of minutes.

“Do not underestimate the power of tea. In fact, tea has been helping Kenyans access government services since 1963,” said the representative.[email protected]

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