Craving side-splitting humour? Watch Kenya’s prime time news

Wednesday, September 4th, 2019 00:00 |
Cotu Secretary General, Francis Atwoli.

Ndung’u Mburu  

There is no other country I’d rather live in than Kenya. Seriously! This is the only country 70-year-old Cotu secretary-general Francis Atwoli, who has been clinging to the same perch for 18 years, advises other people on how to make changes in their own offices! Isn’t this a beautiful country? 

Let me ask you this: When did you last watch a news bulletin? If you haven’t been doing so, you’re missing out. 

From the onset, let me state that I no longer watch news to get informed. Rather, I do it for its comedic value after a long day of hustling for money to give people who need it more than I do – thieves in government or, as they are now officially known, Creative Accountants. 

I mean, where else would you get a report saying the code name for the vice chancellor of the youngest university in the country is Fat Cow? In any case, by the time it gets to 9pm, I already got the important news from the most reliable news sources, Facebook and Twitter (I hate Instagram). 

Anyway, as I was flipping through TV stations the other day, I came across my former workmate and now Nyali MP Mohammed Ali a.k.a Jicho Pevu in his Kiswahili poetic element saying Kenya does not belong to only five ethnic communities. 

I stopped to listen. Ali claimed the push by the Building Bridges Initiative to change the Constitution is only meant to increase the number of executive positions and cater for only five communities, yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah, preaching to the choir.

First of all, congratulations are in order to Moha for getting himself a pair of spectacles. I assume he got them to enable him see the problems of his people better. I will, however, suggest that he changes the prescription to a stronger pair. 

What Moha can’t see is that Kenya is not a country of five ethnic communities but five families and one tribe—the obscenely wealthy! How does a bespectacled Moha of “The Mature Eye” not see this? 

How does Moha not see that for a poor young man to break into the club of the elite, he has to, literally, kneel before a godfather and beg him to hold his right hand and deliver him to Parliament? 

Are these the delusions of a self-made journalist who rose from a slum in Thika to become an member of that most coveted club, Parliament, or is it because he has been hanging out with Hustler One? 

Either way, I laughed myself silly at his sentiments and continued flipping channels.

I then landed on another recently bespectacled young brother by the name of McDonald Mariga attempting to make a statement in English but quickly realizing that it doesn’t work that easily and quickly switching to the more familiar Kiswahili. 

Mariga, the first Kenyan to play in the UEFA Champions League (he was at Inter Milan under Jose Mourinho) has been making headlines after declaring (or is it being declared for?) an interest in gunning for the Kibra parliamentary seat in the November by-election. 

In his barely successful attempt to talk to journalists in the Queen’s language, Mariga was claiming that he is nobody’s political project! Really? Mariga is not a project? And you want to tell me Kenyan prime time news should not be on the Cartoon Network?

And speaking of things that should be on Cartoon Network, the two topmost leaders of the Jubilee government were on the news again this week making promises to the long-suffering youth! (Lol). 

Deputy President William Ruto was in Kirinyaga county promising a bright future for the youth of Kenya, saying “vijana wasikuwe wa kupiga makofi” then taking a dramatic pause to wait for “vijana” to piga makofi and ululate at the statement. 

Not to be left behind, President Uhuru Kenyatta promised young people that the government would develop an area for all sports!

Imagine the Jubilee government promising the youth anything! Just take a momnent and imagine that.

[email protected]

More on News