Should I tell my son about his biological dad?
Hi Achokis, when I met my husband I was a single mum of a one-year-old boy born out of wedlock. My husband has been too good to me and my son that the boy has grown up knowing that he is his father. He is now 17 years and we have two other children.
About two years ago, he over-heard his grandmother talking with other women that my husband wasn’t his biological father. This bothered him a lot and he came and asked me.
I lied to him, but I don’t think he believed me. He has since asked me again twice, but I haven’t had the courage to tell him the truth. I don’t want him to know the truth from somewhere else, yet I fear that telling him the truth may affect his relationship with my husband. What should I do?
The question often asked is, who really is a father? Is it the one who sires a child or is it the person who brings up a child and is there for them as they grow? Your husband has in every way been a father to your son and nothing should change that.
It will affect him
However, it is important for your son to know the truth. As they say, the truth sets us free. As long as he still doubts, especially after hearing what his grandmother said, it will affect him and his relationship with your husband.
He may begin to resent him and even rebel against you as his parents and any other authority in his life. There is something in teenage boys that makes them crave for their father as that is where they draw their identity from. And so, when questions about whom his real father arise, it may complicate things.
Consult your husband
So, what can you do? First and foremost have a conversation with your husband about this. Remember it also concerns him as he has tried his best to be in every way a father to your son.
Talking about it with him also brings you together in the same team as this issue requires a united approach. Appreciate your husband’s effort this far and assure him of your continued support through this. You also need his support and wisdom as you navigate this issue.
Tell him the truth
Secondly, together look for a convenient time and place to break the news to your son. Be the one to start as you are the one with more relational capital with your son.
Apologise for not telling him the truth and explain to him why in the first place you didn’t see it prudent to tell him about his real father. Let him know that your motives were right. It may be hard for a time, but things will get better as time goes by if you keep the communication lines open.