Can a marriage with a manipulator work?

Monday, November 4th, 2019 08:09 |

Hi Achokis. I’m in my mid 30s and have been in a relationship for the last five years. Though I love my guy, he sometimes treats me badly and has been physically abusive a couple of times. However, each time he has wronged me, he apologises profusely and promises never to do it again. But after sometime he becomes aggressive again towards me. Last year, he convinced me to move in with him and this year he proposed to me. He has met my parents and promised to go back for a second visit or a ruracio. But his inconsistent behaviour is making me think twice. Should I commit myself to this relationship or not? I’m confused. Please help!

Our Take

Your guy is two-faced. On one hand, he seems to love you and is nice to you, but on the other hand he is violent. This is an indication that there’s something wrong with him. 

There is a possibility that you could be in a relationship with a psychopath— a person suffering from a chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behaviour. So often, we think that psychopaths are those people who commit terrible crimes and are mentally disturbed. However, some are intelligent and smart people. 

They may outwardly appear as gentle and quiet that even if someone else heard you talk about what they did, they wouldn’t believe you. And that’s why you are confused. They can be manipulative; apologising profusely, buying you gifts, and generally being romantic after they have hurt you. 

And so, if you have already observed this even before you say “I do”, what makes you think things will get any better after you get married? In fact, from our experience, working with many couples, things only get worse with time. 

Your man has a problem and you are not the right person to solve it. He may not even be aware he has a problem. What you need to do is leave this relationship before things get complicated. Talk to your parents about it and if there’s any money that was paid in form of dowry, it should be returned so that there’s nothing that ties you to this relationship. It will not be easy as such a guy can threaten and harass you. It will be difficult to leave, but you must do it, the earlier the better. Prepare for a bruising battle. He won’t just leave you like that. Probably he will be forever stalking you and issuing you with threats if not apologising and trying to woo you back. Surround yourself with friends and family. Let them know what’s happening so that they can protect you. Seek professional help as being in this kind of relationship may affect you emotionally. 

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches

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