Agencies bid to distribute Sh444m graft money from Jersey

Monday, January 11th, 2021 00:00 |
Graft money from Jersey.

Mambo Matata

Kenya’s leading instant poverty eradication agencies, want to be awarded the tender to receive and distribute the Sh444 million corruption proceeds stashed in Jersey by two Kenyans.

According to impeachable sources, Kemscam and NY-Heist are part of government agencies that are bidding for the tender to administer money,  alleged to have been stolen and hidden in the island by former minister Chris Okemo and ex-Kenya Power and Lighting Company managing director Samuel Gichuru.

The two agencies, which are known for spectacular, magic-like poverty eradication strategies, say they can help the Jersey government repatriate the millions to Kenya.

While the island’s authorities want the money to be used to fight the Covid-19 pandemic, Kemscam and NY-Heist are having none of it, and are instead insisting that they are best placed to distribute the money to Kenyans of diverse backgrounds.

Best record

“Why would anyone want to waste such good money on a rumour like Covid-19?

There are more sensible uses that the money can be put to, as we have ably demonstrated before,” said a Kemscam official who did not want to be named.

He said the money should go to more urgent national projects such as buying SUVs, building bungalows, buying prime land in cities and throwing expensive parties.

Such projects, he explained, would revamp the economy and pull it out of the recession hole that it has been pushed into by the pandemic. 

In the bid documents seen by Impeachable sources, each of the two agencies says it has the best record in sharing public money with as many Kenyans as possible in record time, thus helping create overnight millionaires and eradicate poverty one tender at a time.

“Our credentials in helping the government distribute funds to its citizens and eradicating poverty are impeccable.

We are known as the agency that distributed Sh791 million to several Kenyans in just a few weeks.

To our credit, we created instant millionaires out of humble hairdressers and helped tens of Kenyans cross the poverty line in a matter of hours,” the NY-Heist tender bid documents read in part.

NY-Heist says to make it easier for as many Kenyans as possible to benefit from the money, it is willing to waive such annoying requirements like having a bank account or a known address to access the funds.

“Sacks, socks, hand bags, even car booths are good enough. You don’t have to bother opening an account where the money will be deposited,” an NY-Heist official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said.

Cumbersome bureaucracy

Not to be outdone, Kemscam, in its bid papers, promises that the would-be beneficiaries of its famous generosity would experience an easy and breezy process.

“Unlike many government agencies that are applying for this tender, we are the only one where anyone who just passes by our premises at the right time, with the right attitude, can benefit from our largesse.

We have done away with the cumbersome bureaucracy that has been preventing many ordinary Kenyans from partaking in the national cake,” Kemscam writes in the documents.

The agency described its “just pass-by” tender qualification system as the final solution to the social inequality in the country.

“We are an equal opportunity scammer,” the agency says in the tender documents.

Meanwhile, the two agencies have reportedly sent high-powered delegations to Jersey to lobby for the graft money.

According to sources, the delegations intend to clinch the tender deal by convincing Jersey officials to “seriously think about your own welfare and that of your families and friends in these hard economic times.” [email protected]

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